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Donizetti - La Fille du Régiment / Sutherland, Pavarotti, Malas, Sinclair, ROH Covent Garden, Bonynge
By Gaetano Donizetti, Richard Bonynge, Joan Sutherland, Luciano Pavarotti, Orchestra and Chorus of The Royal Opera House Covent Garden, Monica Sinclair, Spiro Malas, Eric Garrett, Edith Coates
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Well, I have my first performance of a role in two days! How exciting! Things are going well, and I expect a great performance!
Wednesday night the general director (age 90+, I think) came to rehearsal. During my offstage time and after the rehearsal he told me he really liked what he was hearing from me, and that he had a role for me next season if I wanted it. (For those versed in opera, it is Barnaba in Ponchielli's La Gioconda.) The character is sinister, a real Iago character (from Othello); in fact, the same librettist wrote La Gioconda and Verdi's Otello. Little surprise I should like the idea of playing Barnaba when I was already intrigued by Iago. Anyway, I will look at the score in a week or so, then decide more officially.
After that, we discussed their production of Mozart's Marriage of Figaro. He said he has the Count already cast, but that he may be looking for a Figaro. I tried to jump on that one too, but he was concerned I couldn't learn both parts quickly enough. But since they're two or three months apart, I really think I could do it! And I have a full six months before the first of the two.
What's more, I was talking with someone who's involved with another opera company in the area, and she suggested I come out and audition with them too! So many opportunities!
So, what are my reactions to all this? Well, none of these opportunities pay, or if they do, it isn't much. So I still need to look for a day-job (see my previous post for today). Furthermore, I know I still have a long way to develop my voice before I can move beyond these smaller opera companies into something larger. And that requires finding a voice teacher and/or coach, and probably taking some acting classes, and various other extra-curricular education, all of which will require more money -- leading me back to a job.
This past year has certainly been important and formative for my operatic career, nor has it been by any means a waste of time. To go back to any day-job, I am now more fully equipped to seriously pursue my love for singing. My questions for the future are:
What kind of job should I get? Should I get a full-time, probably soft. dev. job again? Will doing so critically jeopardize my singing? Most importantly, will I lose operatic ground I have gained over the last year?
If I get a less strenuous job (i.e., Starbuck's), will I be able to make enough money to continue singing (like, paying for voice lessons and production costs, such as costumes)? Will I be able to save enough to go to grad. school sooner or later? Will I really have that much more time on my hands?
Or should I continue living off savings, trying to make things happen as a singer?
I think living off of savings is not practical, wise, or viable. As for the other two options, they have their respective pros and cons...
Lord, whatever you want, I want too!
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| OK, folks, it's time: time for me to find my next paying job. Money's getting less commonplace around here, and paid singing gigs aren't plentiful enough to offset money's scarcity.
So, I look.
I began a few months ago by applying at MakeItWork (the red Cooper Minis that drive to your house and fix your computer / stereo / husband), but one of the other thirty applicants for the same position must have received the job, because I wasn't called back.
Then I began calling around to catering companies, having worked a catering gig in Santa Barbara just before leaving, and knowing that it was fun and rather flexible of schedule. But all of the places I called asked what kind of experience I had and whether I could bartend, and then told me they weren't even really hiring right now because of the economy.
So I gave up for a while, feeling like that was God's leading right now anyway.
After another month or so, I decided to at least keep looking; how else would God open a door if I wasn't knocking? (OK, so He could open a door without me knocking, but I figured it would be wise of me just to knock anyway.)
This week I took a stroll around downtown Pasadena and inquired at coffee shops and the like for a job. They all wanted me to apply online.
However, before I could get around to doing that, I began to take stock of what I want to do in life (i.e., grad school, go to Europe, etc.) and so many things required so much money that I decided it may be far better for me to look for another software development job and get paid a bit more in the short term to be able to do my long term goals.
Which leads me to the past couple of days. To avoid boring with superfluous and unnecessary details, suffice it to say I'm in an email conversation with one recruiter looking for someone to port someone's application from Windows CE to Linux (I assume by adding a thin layer between application and kernel that will translate kernel calls).
And then I went to the barber today, to get my hair cut for the opera on Sunday. (Yes, this is pertinent...) As I was sitting there at the mercy of the scissors, another man walked in and waited his turn. We got to talking, and he currently works at a startup (read: small) company in the area that has developed / is developing a TCP stack. After my haircut, he handed me his card and told me to email him.
Though I think, with my very limited knowledge of both situations (and all other potentials), I would prefer the former (Windows-Linux port) job over the latter (barbershop) job, it nonetheless appears to me that God may be setting things in motion. And that is always exciting.
The order of business for the near future is for me to keep praying about where I should be, and even whether or not I should be working (that is, apart from singing) right now. I do not in any way want to force God's hand, because I've done that [at least] once or twice before, and that's not where I want to be again. So, prayers for wisdom in so many ways are appreciated.
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| Thanks to the person(s) who has been praying for me since my last post. I've been feeling much better, thank you! This is just to let you know that prayer really works, so please keep praying -- I, and we all, need it very much!
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| Again I'm buying the lie that "I can't."
I know I'm intelligent. I know I generally get things done. I know people generally respect and appreciate me. I know I'm liked, I know I'm loved. But I still think "I can't." I shirk many duties and never even attempt others because I believe [enough] that "I can't." "Why try when I don't think I can?" But worst of all, I don't want to let others down when I fall, so I just don't try.
Wow. Well, there's a couple of deep-seated reasons I can think of for my mis-information. First, I feel like I need some good, strong, and (at this point) repeated affirmation from men whom I respect as men. In my opinion, I have never received that -- certainly not to the degree I need.
Second, I have a feeling part of this stems from my response to a poor end to what could have been a great relationship. In short, I knew I had hurt her (this isn't Robyn, for those of you who know her) and wanted to never hurt another person like that again, so I decided I wouldn't "try" at love again: no more romance means no more romantic hurt, both for me and for others!
I don't know where to get the masculine affirmation, mostly because I know it would be very hard for me to accept it without years of respect going into it. I have a hard time believing any positive input because surely they wouldn't truly believe such things about me if they knew who I REALLY am. I have since realized there's no way I can avoid "trying" at love, but clearly that situation still reigns over me. Though we are now friends and on good terms, perhaps it would be helpful for me to ask her forgiveness, even now.
I need something, but have no idea what it is. I pray for it, but don't see it. I try -- in this and so much else -- and fail. I know failure is normal and impossible to avoid if one wants to progress anywhere, but that knowledge doesn't help my self-esteem.
When will I see what everyone else sees: that "I can"? I head-know it, somewhere buried in a dusty corner I really do, but I certainly don't heart-know it. And this is my hourly struggle as I see what I consider to be my promise for brilliance daily transformed into mediocrity as I waste away under cries of "but I can't!"
I don't want to have lived this life -- even one more day! -- at a lesser capacity than I am capable. And I am capable of a lot, damn it, through Christ who strengthens me! (Forgive my language...)
[This blog was originally titled "I can't", but after submitting it, after writing the above, I had to change it.]
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| The past few days I've been feeling down, on the verge of being "actually" depressed, though I would have described myself as depressed already -- but I knew it could have been worse than it was.
The cause of my recent depression has been the stagnancy mentioned in my previous post today.
But today in church I was filled with a sense of, "Well done, good and faithful servant." And (struggling between trying to focus on the service and reflecting on this emotion!) I realized that over the past couple of days, despite my tendency into an episode of depression, 1) I continued to have faith in God and fight the depression; 2) asked other people to pray for me (and they did, and it helped; thanks!); and 3) continued to live like I wasn't depressed, and like the particular things that were getting me down were of no concern, because 4) I still trusted God to be faithful.
I realized what I felt in church was an answer to my faith, a lifting of the depression coinciding with a renewed promise of God's faithfulness. "I did it!" I almost shouted out loud, somewhere during the priest's blessing of the sacrament (a quiet and introspective section of our service). I had had faith! And I had carried it through all the way until the next resurgence of God's presence. Usually I give up too soon, after a day, or maybe two; it's different every time. And so is the time I should have continued to wait different every time. But this time I really did it: I really waited on the Lord, and He rewarded me, if only just to confirm that I was facing the right direction.
Today I feel like I grew a little in spiritual stature, like I "was made a little older", in the words of the Queen of Perelandra in C. S. Lewis' Space Trilogy. I thank God for that! What a good feeling. And now I feel like I'm excited for the next challenge, so hopefully I can continue to remain faithful! (At the same time, I could use a little break from faith-building I think, but God knows best.)
But, I know! Be careful what I wish for! "God, I just wish for You!" There; how can that wish go wrong, or cause me pain? 
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